Cheam Sex Now

Last week, I was talking to my sister about sex on drugs - no, not asking her for it, but talking about listings on gay sites where men say they're looking for "Chem Sex Now" and other glorious things. My sister was pleasantly surprised that it's short for Chemicals rather than that they're all looking for sex in Cheam, where our father lives. That said, if our dad was looking for PnP BB FF and such acronym-stic perversion, I'd hardly have the moral high ground to tut and disapprove. Still, I'd not be saying pixplsthx any time soon.

So, gay men and the hinternet. Hmm. The internet has REVOLUTIONISED gay culture by stripping (heh) away the need for the subtle use of Polari in public and done away completely with any need for flirty chitchat over pink cocktails in anachronistic 80's style bars in the suburbs and it has obliterated any need for, well, any kind of meaningful human interaction beyond the following formula:

Man 1: nice pix m8 want 2 meet?
Man 2: thx. wot u into?
Man 1: fucking sucking watersports. wan 2 meet?
Man 2: sure. Am in cheam.

And the job's a good 'un. See how easy it is now to be gay? No need for boyfriends when you can work your way through men faster than your broadband gets through megabytes. Now, I seem to be bucking, yes, bucking this trend right now and am having hypnotherapy to cut down my 20-a-day habit. Or was that fags? Oh, bollocks (mmm), it's all so confusing. Trend. Bucked. Concentrate, Howard. I buck this trend, hard, from behind, so it's safe for me to reveal the secrets of the procurement of gay sex online by raiding the bookmarks of every fuck I've ever had.

Concentrate now, girlyboys; here's the science part.

If you would like to be a sexually voracious gay, you need two things: a penis and a computer. If you don't have a penis, google phalloplasty and someone will sort you out (although, girls, please get into cottaging - the look on the man's face when a girl emerges from the next cubicle with his jizz on her chin is PRICELESS. Fuck you, George Michael, Listen Without Prejudice to that, you fadgeophobe). If you don't have a computer... borrow the computer of whoever's been printing this blog out for you, weirdo.

GAY WEBSITES!

Thingbox hardly counts as gay because mostly it's geeks who look like they never should be allowed to have sex. Or, it's a great site if sex and semantics are the same thing for you. Or perhaps if, like me, you prey on geeks and love a bit of nerdy spaff every now and again. It's not great for that instant hook up, though. CHEAM SEX RATING: 3/10

Gaydar is the third most popular online dating site in the world, apparently. It has an income greater than that of Tokyo. As such, when you meet a gay person anywhere in the world, you don't ask them for their phone number - that's totally retarded and SO last century (last Liza Minelli-um, too). You ask for their gaydar profile. Usually it's something like ................fuknow because it lists us by who pays and who doesn't, but within each stratum of this caste system, it's alphabetical by ASCII, so since they banned exclamation marks (!bbfunnow! and the like are relics to be proud of. Having a ! in your gaydar name is like a red phone box in gay social standing), dots are what get you laid. You can search by distance, which is kinda scary. When I lived in Vauxhall, there were over a thousand members of gaydar within half a mile of my flat. That made leaving the flat funny - you'd be at the bus stop and be able to list everyone in the queue by their profile name. CHEAM SEX RATING: 8/10 - it loses points because competition is FIERCE.

Gay.com is retarded. CHEAM SEX RATING: 0/10

Fitlads is where you go if you want to fuck poor boys in tracksuits. Of course, it's full of other posh boys pretending to be chavs, which makes for some funny meets. Online, it's all txtspk and then when you meet, you realise the chav you're hoping to fuck lives in Chiswick and is called Tarquin and his tracksuit is steam-ironed prada. It's all a bit of a disappointment, really, unless it's the pretend-scallies that do it for you. The only sparks you'll get from this site are from nylon. CHEAM SEX RATING: 4/10

M4M4SEX is the slightly hilarious MEN FOR MEN FOR SEX DOT COM which encourages you not to log on unless you're ready-lubed, high on drugs and NEEDING SEX THIS INSTANT. As such, you never, ever get laid from it, although I did once win a pair of tickets for a pride event, which led to the slightly funny scene of going to pick up the tickets from their press office and telling the kiwi they'd got at the desk where I'd won the tickets from. She gave me a very funny look. Oh well. CHEAM SEX RATING: 2/10

Recon is an umbrella site that encompasses EVERY kind of gay imaginable (by the kind of people who make up sites like this), so you've got slaves4masters, boynextdoor, sk8rbois, something about leathermen and such like. Generally, though, it's the same group of autobot-faced men in their fifties with names like pozlad. I'm sure that floats the boats of some folk; mostly it just scares me. CHEAM SEX RATING: 6/10

Eurowoof is for bears. I don't understand what that's all about. CHEAM SEX RATING: ?/10

Fucking hell. I'm using J's laptop and he's got some very strange settings. If you move the mouse strangely, the computer first shuts off the screen, then wakes up and says Yojimbo a lot. I am very baffled by this.

Yojimbo.

See? Well, I can't - the screen is dark.

One girly scream later and he's sorted it out, after laughing heartily at my confusion. Yojimbo.

OUT is where you go if you ARE NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. Eh? I used to write their horoscopes, so I can't really say anything bad about them or the site's owner-cum-fürer Yojimbo - no, no! I hate computer infidelity, I want to be on my Belgian mac... - their cum fürer might be annoyed. That said, he didn't mind when all the horoscopes were stolen from Alanis lyrics and randomly allocated, so he may be used to me not taking everything too seriously. OUT is great if you want to talk to people knowing that their identity has been CONFIRMED by people having to turn up to the many, many events that OUT organises. And a fingerprint scan. They also hold a sample of your DNA. CHEAM SEX RATING: 10/10 - they're all gagging for it, really, if your standards are low enough.

Jake is a professional networking site for the gays. I quit after I sent a message to their "team" and the reply seemed to have been written by someone functionally illiterate. For a professional networking site to send out messages with typos, spelling and punctuation errors is, frankly, inexcusable. You'll not find me at any of their power-brunches any time soon. CHRSM SEZ RaYONG: 0/10

Abercrombie and Felch has more soft porn than you can shake a stick at. They even have a central London venue for you to go and promises to be even cruisier than IKEA. It's staffed by models, so don't expect them to be able to count the change they give you, not that there'll be any - they only accept poncey credit cards, probably. I don't know; I'm not pretty enough to enter a store like that. CHEAM SEX RATING: 6/10

Beautiful Gay Guys is the site where you go if you're vain enough to think that being approved to join the site for beautiful gay guys is really the kind of validation you need. They have a voting system where other users can evict you for not being pretty enough. I have a feeling that this kind of thing reflects the crushing depression all members feel and the hollow ache in their hearts. "I'm BEAUTIFUL, so why don't I have a BOYFRIEND?" they cry. To Britney, at night. I'm not a member, but I have a lovely collection of rejection letters from them. Perhaps I shouldn't be sending them that photo of me as a bear all the time, or videos of me doing the truffle shuffle. CHEAM SEX RATING: EMO/10

Dudes Nude has a similar system, that if you want to tick "Defined" or "Muscular" they'll judge your photos to ensure that their cock-hungry members won't be offended by searching for muscular men and only finding someone "stocky" instead. They CARE for you at dudesnude, you see? They disapprove of you because they love you. It's better for everyone that way. However, no-one gets laid there because they're too busy lovingly rejecting you. That, and there's a webcam page where you can watch muscle boys on drugs trying to wank their meth-shrivelled cocks for your delectation. Oh, there was that night when I found some bodybuilder on meth on there who I managed to convince to try to fist himself. That was hilarity and oddly reminded me of the sauna at the gym. CHEAM SEX RATING: 5/10

I'm bored and slightly disturbed now. I think I should pay attention to the man who is in the same room as me rather than tittering at stupid online gays. Err, like me.

Ooh, I'm 'hanging' my 'exhibition' today. I think I need a wee.

Yojimbo. Whatever that means.