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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Don't Ever Look Back.


Don't Ever Look Back., originally uploaded by zombiecoterie.

So, today I spent another day working on essential repairs. I registered with the new GP, who is a delightfully posh matriarch who took my catalogue of catastrophe in her stride. We're waiting for the psychiatrist's report to come through before I start on ADHD medication, which makes sense, plus had a little talk about the op on my arm. She said the lack of information given to me was really typical of an orthopaedic surgeon but she'd help me get a second opinion if I'm still not happy with how I was treated when their report comes through.

We talked a little bit about the depression things I've had going on and we talked briefly about the murder I witnessed. I'm usually very wary of talking about it because it brings up all kinds of flashbacks for me, but she handled it wonderfully, reminding me my goal shouldn't be to stop remembering what I saw and what I did, but to stop remembering it as an entirely horrible experience and instead to focus on what she described as the nobility of my actions by going to help and by testifying in court. I just wish I can hold onto that perspective on it, rather than see my actions then as a failure. We'll see, eh?

Anyway. I went along to Lewisham after that for physiotherapy. I've been trying really hard to keep my posture in mind and to do the exercises I've been set. I'm standing taller, feeling taller too and the kink in my neck from hunching over the computer and the drawing tablet has started to work its way free, but it's made me realise how weak my neck is at supporting itself properly after years of slouching. I've got some peculiar pilates exercises to do to help develop the inner muscles of my neck to stop it feeling a bit wobbly.

Pilates. I'm so Chiswick it hurts.

Apparently, it's too soon for the gym and yoga or similar classes would be a horrible mistake until I've got all the little muscles working that need to be working, but I can carry on swimming if I do freestyle and build up bit by bit. This pleases me. From physio, I went to the Oasis in town, where Paul showed me some swimming drills to help me understand how freestyle works. It's still a bit weird to me to think so technically about how I move in the water and disappointing how weak I am compared to how I want to feel, but it's all progress, so I'm not going to complain too much.

Anyway, all this just to justify the picture I drew yesterday of a man on an escalator, looking back.

Don't ever look back.

...unless you're seeing clearly, then look and learn.

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