Thursday, August 13, 2009

Learning Illustrator, or My God, The Recession Sucks.

CV, originally uploaded by zombiecoterie.

So, um, I finally bothered to start fiddling with Illustrator and made this sort of CV thing to indicate that, generally, my life is getting steadily more awesome as I go along. I don't like how it looks just yet; the key is the wrong colour and there's still lots I could do to make it considerably more awesome than it is, but it's one way of avoiding the problems I have when trying to show a linear progression of jobs. I mean, I freelanced as an interpreter for hundreds of places.

I could also do a lot more with the skills section, but boredom was really starting to kick in by this point. I will also get rid of black type on red text, for it is the devil's own work and I would be committing access suicide if I were to try to pretend that was okay. Hmm, I don't think a CV's ever going to reflect what kind of a person I am, not unless it includes things like:

* Learned conversational Chinese Sign Language in ten days.
* Has taken pretty much every antidepressant drug on the market.
* Met the Queen (and didn't punch her!)
* Habitually and casually lies.
* Lazy in bed, but is told he's an okay lay.
* Is nicer and taller than he seems online, apparently.
* Can tie a knot in a cherry stalk with his tongue.

Okay, one of those is a lie. The one about lying, obviously.

The one about cherry stalks is true, though. When I was, hmm, twelve or something, we used to watch Twin Peaks and there was a scene where a girl wanted to get a job as a prostitute and her way of proving how good she'd be at that job was to tie a knot in a cherry stalk with her tongue. I decided there and then that I should learn to do this, so everyone would think I was fantastic in bed. It just seemed like a useful life skill, so I spent hours locked in my room with my face contorted.

Well, twenty-one years later, last night I was proved correct. Fred asked us along to the South London Society of Deaf Drunks so Jonotron could practice his BSL. He is, I have to say, awesome already. I'm incredibly impressed, and so were the Deafs. (Incidentally, I found out last night that predictive text says "Deafs" should be "feces" uh oh.) What I hadn't expected was that there would be party games.

Fred had a bucket of cherries and we all had to put a pound in the pot and take a cherry and then we had to tie a knot in the stalk and we had several elimination rounds and, of course, by the end, the only cherry stalks left were the ones that were really short. Naturally, I could only imagine I was trying out to be a hooker in a scary hotel and, therefore, won.

Fifteen quid for sex skills I learned as a child. I wonder where that fits on my CV...

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