Thursday, April 21, 2011


Hair by Tom Harrigan. So very posh.

“It’s all in your head,”
they said, smiling.
Secrets spliced at
the drum’s thrum.

The tug and throw;
the tattoo of polar opposites,
the tattoo of my heart answers:
the yes and no.

The centrifuge
spins dizzy histories;
a chromatography -
magnetic chronology;

A map bleeds out from echoes
truth and disaster
negative and positive
the nothing and the one.

We spin together,
we repel
like iron filings
dancing end to end.

Stuttering paradigms
doomed and destined for
failure and liberation thus:
“It’s all in your head.”

So, my MRI and my EEG scans both came back as normal. This is kind of the result I'd, oddly, feared and the result I'd known to expect as it's what happened the last time I had these tests. Yes, falling half-asleep to that hypnotic drumming in the MRI chamber while they played "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" seemed weirdly macabre (pretend to be dead in a giant sarcophagus, all your metal pulled out of you before you go in, then listen to motivational songs from a dead man while you pass out) and then get lost in your thoughts, realise you can only remember being there a couple of minutes, then the guy tells you it's been half an hour.

Realise that that's kind of why you're in there, then shuffle off to try to get your body piercings back out of a locker before you stress out too much.

This has been such a long and convoluted process and it's frustrating to know we're still not there. I've got a letter in my flat from when I was just a little child about the first EEG I had being booked in for a hospital out in Surrey and how the little absence seizures I was having seemed to be quite normal and that I'd grow out of them, but when the EEG came back without any real indication of why this was happening, we kind of drifted away from knowing what to do. 

I was just one of those kids who'd get lost in their own world sometimes and couldn't get back out.

I don't quite know where this leaves me now - I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's sunny out, I'm busy with work, there's plenty going on to keep me occupied, so not being any further along with a question that's always been there is just something I'm going to just have to not give a shit about, I think.

No comments: